I Have a Five Year OId.

Shit. Where did the last five years go?? Dee turned 5 last week. Seriously, it feels like just yesterday that I was watching White Noise and getting scared into labor. Okay, so some of the last five years felt like a decade being married to Stupid, but in terms of my girl growing up....the time really has flown by. Im so proud of the smart little person she is becoming. She starts school in August and im scared shitless. She however, is super excited to go and talks about it nearly every day. I worry mostly about my work schedule and how im going to manage to pull this all off. Getting her to and from school while working almost 40 hours. Looks like G-pa's going to have to help me out a bit. Im not sure how A-train is going to do without her, they are attached at the hip. Seriously. Honestly, I think shes a bit excited about a couple hour break from her baby brother. She likes to rub it in his face that he doesnt get to go to school with her.

Hello June!

Wow, the month of May really flew by fast! It seems like it was only a week ago that I was at Buca's celebrating Hulk's (my affectionate nickname for my love) birthday! But no...that was a month ago! Wow, im not to thrilled with the speed that May slipped away. He was here. I would have liked that time to go by nice and slowly so it could be savored. But no. Not so much. Im just hoping that June gives me the same treatment now that I would actually LIKE for time to go by fast. It would be nice to have July show up in the blink of an eye. Im realizing now that I have something to look forward to every month from here till December. Whether it be birthdays or milestones, I think it helps time pass to have something to be excited for each month. This month I have two birthdays. Both my baybays....both Gemini's. Heaven HELP me. I swear they really do both have evil twins. Those twins like to show up when it's clean up and bedtime. In a way im lucky that I have both birthdays in the middle of the year because it gives me "present recovery" time before Christmas. AND it helps that Goobs and Atrain are 13 days apart...two different pay periods... that helps with the spending a bit. Hey, I work in a grocery store, im not really bringing in the big bucks. Speaking of work, i have to be there at 6am and im up still at 9:30 blogging. I think it's time to make a date with my pillow. Goodnight.

Lol Effin People

So at 6am the phone rings. Its my day off and my chance to sleep in past 5am, so the phone can go screw itself at this point. I wake up 2 hours later and go check the message. It's the ManLady( this neighbor chick who I swear at one point had to have been the owner of a penis). She called to let us know that she was up late last night and that the dogs barking at 6:30am are being very loud and was wondering if someone could take them inside. First of all, I dont give a shit how late you were up last night, thats your problem. Second of all how dare you call here at 6:30am who the eff does that!? And thirdly, they werent even OUR dogs bahaha. Our dogs are as lazy as I am, they donbt get out of bed until 9am. They were in bed with me at 6 am. So guess what I did. I called her ass when I woke up. Let her know that FYI it was our dogs barking and that we werent the only one with dogs in the neighborhood. She replied "Sorry, I just dont like being woken up at 6:30" I said "Yeah, I dont either". She then realized perhaps it was slightly rude to have called so early. Yeah....ya think!? Jeebus lady who do you think you are. Granted this lasy is slightly koo koo for coco puffs. She brings by plates out out of code bakery products from Costco whenever she wants us to move our boat/cars from the bottom parking space so she can use it for when she has guests over. Not gonna happen lady. Your driveway can fit 10 cars, AND that boat hasnt been moved in 20 years. Thanks for the expired cookies though.

Anyways /rant.

Nothing Tastes as Good as Skinny Feels.

Im pretty sure this bowl of Rocky Road ice cream begs to differ.

Regardless, this is my last day of eating my feelings. It's time to cut the crap...again...and go back to eating healthy. Im tired all the time, and well, my pants dont fit so well anymore. Before anyone assumes..NO...NO...NO...no baybay here. I just eat like crap, and hence my body feels like crap. How can I expect it to tackle 40hr work weeks, and taking care of two kiddoes without giving it the good fuel it needs? Simple answer. I cant. Hence why i fall asleep at 5pm for two hours, and am STILL exhausted at bedtime. So needless to say, I need a change.

So as of tomorrow...no junkfood...no more energy drinks (WAHHH!!), more water and definitely more fruits and veggies. Im going to start going to the gym again too. Ive really slacked on that the last couple of months. Ridiculous that I pay monthly for something I dont even use. So with that said...my arse is going to be back in there sweating it off.

I also want to drop a pants size by the time he comes home. So I have another goal as well. I think I can lose 15 lbs in 6 months. If I cant there's definitely something wrong with me. I think with a little motivation I can do it. I would love to make his jaw drop when he gets home. Granted I dont have a problem in that department now...however... there's a lot I can improve upon. I'd also like to be able to go on runs with him and Gunner and not kill myself after 3/4 of a mile. It looks like some treadmill running and conditioning is in my very near future. So hopefully im actually sticking to it this time and not blowing smoke up my own ass.

Only time will tell, and unfortunately I have a lot of time right now.

It Can Begin Now.

The countdown starts.

Saying goodbye is hard. Saying goodbye twice is even harder. I sat there and watched him walk away. I watched him walk until I couldnt see him anymore. I sat there and cried. Undoubtedly the hardest thing ive ever had to do. I want to jump out of the car, run up and hug him and kiss him one last time. But that would have made it so much harder. So I just sat there sobbing. No matter how hard it was watching him walk away again, I was thankful for one more day. One more day of laughs and kisses and hugs and time with him, the kids, and I all together.

But now it can begin. There are no more goodbyes. Only the anticipation of emails, and phone calls and coming home. Each day that passes will be one more day that brings us closer. I just hope each day flows by fast as possible. I put on a front about being a strong independent woman. I need him.

Life Must Go On.

That's the motto im trying to live by to get through the next six months. Tonight I had to say my potential goodbyes (I might get one last chance tomorrow). It was hard. Im not going to lie, it was pretty much the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. I didnt want him to get out of the car, I didnt want to drive away and have to make the long drive home alone. Ive never been through something like this before. Granted when I was married to Stupid (what I will refer to the ex as) he deployed, but as cold hearted as it sounds...I didnt really care. It didnt phase me all that much. I wasnt in love with him. This time its completely different. It feels like half of my heart is being ripped away from me. I cried. I cried hard the last few minutes with him. I cried hard the entire way home. Ive been home for over an hour now and the tears are still welling up in my eyes. I have to be at work at 6am...and its 10:48...yet im procrastinating on getting in that bed. I dont want to sleep in our bed with his side empty. It's not like this is the first time ive slept without him, but this just feels hard. He's not coming home in two weeks like before. This is six plus months. Six months without my other half. It's going to be hard. But like I said and like he told me tonight, life must go on. As much as I want to sit and mope I cant. Ive got to be strong. For him, myself, and the kids. Theyre going to miss him like crazy too. He's really stepped in and been there for them. This wont be easy for them either. I just have to get us into a day to day routine and hopefully the time will fly by. I have work to go to 5 days a week, a wedding to plan, I have to get Dakota ready for Kindergarten, and I have to finish potty-training Austin. Oh..and I have weight to lose! I have a goal of 130 by December. Not sure how much I weigh now..thats all for another blog another day. I cant let this get the best of me, because it will make it just that much harder. Im not really sure where I was going with this blog and im sure its very jumbled. I just have a lot on my mind and needed to get it out somehow. Im pretty sure this blog will end up being an outlet for me in the next six months.

27.2%

Thats the percentage of body fat thats currently taking up residence in my body. Yummy. I left Missouri at 130 pounds and managed to gain 15 since being back in California. Carne Asada burritos....I BLAME YOU. Ive noticed that I just cant find a happy medium weight-wise. At 130 I was too skinny. It didnt look so great on me, but here at 145 I look a little..well...meaty. So the man and I joined a gym. For different reasons obviously. He goes to maintain that oh so perfect body that I have the privilege of snuggling up to every night hes home. Im in heaven let me tell you. Now for me, Im there to lose these freaking 15 pounds! Okay maybe not 15. Id be happy with ten. Well, i'd be happy at 145 if I had lean muscle and was toned and my thighs stopped touching...again. Yup. I lost my ITC that I was so proud of regaining before i left Failssouri. ITC= Inner Thigh Clearance. It's that little beam of light you see between your thighs. No not THAT. Pervs. Unfortunately along with the loss of my ITC came the gaining of a spare tire around my waist that would make the Michelin man jealous! Okay Im over exaggerating..but we are our own worst critics right?

Anyways, so we joined the gym and pretty much average 3 times a week. Work schedules and gym childcare schedules have proven to be challenging. I weight myself the first day. 141 pounds. Weighed myself a week later. 143 pounds. Weighed myself this week...145 pounds. Talk about DISCOURAGING. Ive been kicking my ass on these machines and for what? To gain weight?! Eff you body. Eff you and your cruel jokes. However, tonight I learned my mistake. I know muscle weighs more than fat and blah blah blah. So im no longer weighing myself to judge progress. Im going to go by body fat percentage, which will be a much more accurate measure of how much ass ive been kicking. Like I said, right now im sitting at 27.2%...my goal is to get down to 22 percent by next March.

Hopefully I can stay motivated enough to get to the gym. Luckily I have a man who loves me regardless of what body shape I have at the moment, but at the same time supports me in my efforts to be healthier.

Clean Slate.

I figure since I started over in my real life I should start over in my blog as well. (Which Im going to try to write more on- I swear!). So I erased what was in here before and decided to start fresh. The last couple years of my life were epic fail (aside from the kiddoes) so I dont really want to relive them through the interwebz. Ive been back at work for over 4 months now and let me tell you it's AH-MAY-ZING! Some days I have to go in at 4am which isnt so great haha but for the most part my schedule isnt too bad. It just feels good to be working again and to be able to provide for my kids and feel like im taking control of my own life. It helps too that I love what I do and the people I work with are pretty awesome.

Now onto bigger...and BETTER things. I am ENGAGED! Yes, Im getting married. Im excited to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful amazing man who is crazy enough to want to be with me forever. The only thing im nervous about is planning a wedding. Ive never had one before! Lol..I dont even know where to start. I was looking at websites the other day and tips for planning and thought to myself "Oh My GAWD! This is why people elope to Vegas!". This chiz looks stressful haha. No no no, there will be no Bridezilla here. Honestly Im not so much excited about the wedding in general (even though it will be epic!) Im just excited to stand in front of all my family and friends and make this commitment to him. Okay okay enough about the mushy stuff ;-)

Im gonna leave this "first" entry at that because it's 7:45pm and I have to get up at 3am to go to work. Jooy. I will however add one last thing. There are things that you never think you would ever hear yourself say- until you have children. Tonight I had one of those moments.

"Stop trying to tell your little brother that the dog biscuits are skeleton cookies and clean the room!"

I love my kids.